Tag Archives: funny

A Day In The Life( no not the Beatles song).

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Alright people who read my blog, that’s right you Dr. Archibald and Jimmy over there in the corner. I am writing about a day in my life since I gained temporary custody of my niece and nephew. So ummmm… prepare to be thrilled by my enthralling mediocrity!

7:00 am: Wake up, take nephew to bus stop. Chainsmoke the whole way back, wonder why always so out of breath at this point.

7:15 am: Look at lolcats.

8:00 am: have coffee.

8:15 am: have another cup of coffee.

8:30 am: think about ways to make life more productive, write up schedule.

9:00 am: look at memes.

9:30 am: fall back to sleep.

9:35 am: get woken up by niece. Make her breakfast and put on movie.

9:45 am: look at lolcats

10:00 am: post semi-funny, mostly contrived Facebook status update.

10:15 am: share meme on Facebook.

10:30 am: put on pants/make another cup of coffee. Yes I do both at the same time. No I will not tell you how I do it… alright yes I will. The Force.

11:00 am: smoke cigarette.

11:15 am: pick up nephew from bus.

11:30 am: Help nephew move box or some other such thing on Video game.

11:35 am: look at memes.

11:45 am: help nephew beat level on video game.

11:55 am: help nephew beat boss on video game.

Noon: make lunch.

12:30 pm: look at lolcats

1:00 pm: have coffee

1:15 pm: jerry-rig some broken house hold item( today it was the headphone jack on my phone).

2:00 pm: excessively celebrate successful jerry-rigging,  by copious swearing and calling out of MacGyver.

2:03 pm: apologize to MacGyver.

2:10 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:15 pm: look at memes.

2:30 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:40 pm: have dance party with niece and nephew.

3:00 pm: make plan with mother to get life more organized.

3:15 pm: start organizing stuff, get distracted by random thing I found that I had forgotten about. ” hey mom look what I found!!!”

4:00 pm: ” Oh yeah… I was organizing my stuff….”

4:10 pm: ” whoa my old girl scout vest! Look mom it still kinda fits! Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?” *does awkward high-stepping dance*

4:15 pm: look at lolcats.

4:30 pm: roll around on floor with actual cat.

4:35 pm: help nephew with homework.

5:15 pm: make dinner.

5:30 pm: annoy niece and nephew with silly antics.. i.e. try to get them to do strange dance or consistently speak in yokel accent.

5:40 pm: attempt to write.

6:00 pm: look at memes.

6:15 pm: look at buzzfeed.

6:30 pm: post buzzfeed story to Facebook.

6:45 pm: “hey we’re missing The Simpsons.”

7:00pm: watch The Big Bang Theory in syndication, with family.

7:15 pm: shortly get distracted from TBBT by lolcats.

7:30 pm: start trying to put niece and nephew to bed, read genetics books to them.

8:00 pm: fall asleep in kids’ bedroom.

8:10 pm: get woken up by nephew.

8:30 pm: children successfully asleep!

8:35 pm: look at memes and eat…finally!

8:40 pm: Facebook stalk(hella)!

9:40 pm: think about good idea for next blog entry.

9:42 pm: look at lolcats.

10:00 pm: watch OPB/ Discovery Channel or read.

10:15 pm: imagine montage of self on weird hats.

10:30 pm: smoke cigarette, talk to cat if he’s around.

10:40 pm: look at lolcats.

10:50 pm: watch a bit more TV.

11:00 pm: fall asleep sitting up in recliner.

11:15 pm: get woken up by own drool trickling down neck( yep… you read that right).

11:30 pm: think about making an awesome meme.

11:35 pm: “forever alone!!!!”

12:00 pm: eat ice cream or cereal. Watch Everybody Loves Raymond.

12:30 watch Frasier because I’m sophisticated. “Will that dilettante ever find a woman of his caliber?”

“Nay goodsir, nay.”

12:50 pm: fall asleep in recliner.

*DREAM SEQUENCE*

and there you have it an average day in the life of Aubrie “Farnsworth” Cooper.

… I think I have adult ADD.

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PSYCHO-BITCHES!

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Hey Senor bloggy Blog! I’ve been MIA for awhile, for reasons you will all find out in future blogs. But for now I’m keeping it a little light as I wade back in to the world of revealing a very select side of my soul to you all. So with out any more rambling, here is Psycho-Bitches!

Dudes like Psycho-Bitches.  They prefer to date them. I know. I’ve seen it. I’m an expert. On such matters. No more fragments.

I know this because of years (privileges of having the same interests of a twelve year old boy) of seeing my nerdy guy friends and nerdy love interests fall victim to their beguiling ways. I’ve heard you boys complain about the girl who showed up on your doorstep with pie, who knitted you a scarf after your first date. The girl whose eyes filled up with tears when she found out you both liked The Black Keys,

“Oh my god,” she says in a voice choked with emotion, ” we have so much in common!”

That girl is a Psycho and you know it! I know it and I haven’t even met her, in fact I made her up! And right now you are thinking, “how can I get away from this chick unscathed but date her long enough to get in her pants..?”

You boys come back and regale us with your bad date with the Cling-Master 5000. But guess what?! In two weeks you’ll be dating steady, in a month I’ll have to pencil her into one of my famous dinner parties, then you’ll bring her to our Soul Caliber tournament, because she says she likes it… but she won’t play. Or worse, she’ll button mash!  But damnit she’s good in bed isn’t she, and pretty, the nut-jobs are always gorgeous…

Anyway– to return to my point– you boys like a Psycho-Bitch, just like us girls can’t resist an Asshole guy( heh heh heh) there is some level of risk and drama that we just can’t seem to resist, some level of excitement! Whatever the case maybe, I end up screwed because of it! Ever the proverbial girl next door, I know what your thinking, “girl next door” types are desirable. Nuh uh, I am no Mary Jane. I’m Fucking Peppermint Patty! There will be no Peter Parker, I can’t even get Charlie Brown, I’m stuck with Milhouse over there. And guess what?! My Milhouse ends up being the male version of the Psycho-Bitch! The emo-goth boy with gender identity issues, and a penchant for emotional abuse. Seriously.

The assholes passing for nerdy nancy-boys, just date me momentarily, tell me how nerdy and amazing I am, then leave me for hotter less-sane, agent provacateur “nerd” girls. Then Milhouse leaves me because he needs to, “figure some things out.”

Most likely if he is gonna opt for the whole gender reassignment surgery or just get the breasts and leave Wangston Churchill and his Parliament in their house of commons.

So what I am really trying to say here is: Psycho-Bitches, you treasure those sweet, sensitive nerdy boys, because with them you have my heart and my hours of video games and dissection of the Star Wars Extended Universe, followed by nerd-sex. I won’t go into details on how that works, to protect all nerds involved.

And one more thing, probably the most important nugget of wisdom I’ll instill in you, Ms. P. Bitch:

I… hate your fucking guts!

The Perfect Boy

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All nerdy boys have their type, you know… their “Perfect Girl”. The girl that if they could choose anyone, they’d choose her. And she’s Japanese, probably highly proficient at video games, so good she could give them a handjob and kick their ass at Tekken…. AT THE SAME TIME!!!! Then after that she’d go whip him up some amazing ramen… she does sound awesome.

I have a nerdy “Perfect Boy” too, and he ain’t Japanese! Don’t get me wrong, I do love Japanese boys too, they just aren’t my number one dream guy, not the creme de la creme. No buuuddies, my perfect boy eats Kosher! That’s right I love ’em nerdy and I love ’em Jewish. All those semitic good looks, and mother pleasing. “Dont worry,” I whisper to them, “you can tell your mom that I’ll convert. I love those curly locks and warm brown eyes.

I’m not quite sure how I came to have such an affinity for the native sons of the chosen ones. Maybe its because the majority of my favorite comedians are Jewish, or maybe because of watching Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore when I was 11.  But I think its mostly because of my Grandpere Mel.

My Grandpere Mel is not biologically related to me, but he is my grandfather to me, all my others were either deceased or distant. I love him very much. He an my Grandmama’s relationship was the steadiest relationship I was exppsed to growing up. They loved each other so very much! They married later in life, after starting families and previous marriages had failed.

Grandpere and Grandmama would sip their gin and tonics and share their meals at restaurants. His  license plate reads,”MMF♥CJF”. He always holds her hand, even after all these years. He is the perfect counterpoint to my Grandmama’s exuberance and energy, he is stoic and calm, and both of them have an ability to love deeply. When I told that side of my family that writing is what I wanted to do with my life, and I received less than ecstatic responses; he came to me and said, “I love a writer.” That meant a lot to me. My Grandpere showed me what a healthy and loving partner should be. I value that greatly.

So I believe that is the reason I have a soft spot for Jewish men. My Grandpere showed me how a good man should treat his mate.

Let The Dating Commence!

So, The Two People That Read My Blog, I have decided that if my blog is going to be a successful blog about dating failures, I should probably start dating….

Let it be heard among men! I, Aubrie “Farnsworth” Cooper, have joined those lonely romantics on the rosters of Online Dating sites! That’s right I’m looking for love on the interwebz! I didn’t think I would ever say that. So far, not so bad.

I chose Okcupid, as my first venture in to those lonely halls of the desperate and unlovable( no really, those guys are great!), such as my self. I really chose it mostly because it is free.

“Cheap, Cheap, Cheap!”

Did you hear that bird? Anywho, it’s a fairly decent site. It has some legitimate seeming, ” relationship” sounding questions, and compatibility percentage ratings based on answers to said questions. The percentage ratings are for: “Match”, “Friend”, or “Enemy”.

So apparently if you don’t hit it off romantically or as friends, you can have city-totaling battles and serious rivalries. Which is… pretty cool! I think I’m gonna try tracking down all my high percentage rated “Enemies” and challenge them to some very public duels… sounds like a lark.

OK… anyway… other than my ridiculous superhero plans. OKcupid does pretty damn well directing me toward dudes with my favorite types of dudely traits. As a matter of fact I have my first date tonight! He seems like a nice, 33 year old nerd. And boy are there a slew of nerds on there!

I posted that I played Magic the Gathering and I’ve had quite a few messages sent to me saying: “Oh I used to play magic.” Or, “I haven’t played magic in years, maybe I should start again.” Seriously, about 8 guys have messaged me with some version of the aforementioned statement. And I’m thinking:

“Oh, now the game is appealing to you, huh? Because some one with a vagina plays? I bet you gave it up because it consumed your life and no woman would sleep with you.”

Well I’m not that kind of woman, and they know it, because they are clamoring to tell me they play. You know… I’m not really sure what I am exactly…. maybe some sort of sea-creature… with antlers. I’m just gonna roll with it and presume whatever I am is good. Anyhow, back to dating.

So, I have a date with this nerdy, dark haired, lover of Glam rock( he listed, Roxy Music, Bowie, Bolan, and Eno his favorites, big points!). Hopefully he doesn’t have plans to scalp me and use my hair as a wig in his next fashion statement. He seems like a nice enough guy. Is one of the guys that didn’t regale me with is past triumphs of his once Magic playing. We’re going to go nerd out at Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade. Hopefully it won’t be too awkward…but… it is me.

So look forward to the next post in The Pitfalls of Being a She-Nerd, it will be about our date.