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A Day In The Life( no not the Beatles song).



Alright people who read my blog, that’s right you Dr. Archibald and Jimmy over there in the corner. I am writing about a day in my life since I gained temporary custody of my niece and nephew. So ummmm… prepare to be thrilled by my enthralling mediocrity!

7:00 am: Wake up, take nephew to bus stop. Chainsmoke the whole way back, wonder why always so out of breath at this point.

7:15 am: Look at lolcats.

8:00 am: have coffee.

8:15 am: have another cup of coffee.

8:30 am: think about ways to make life more productive, write up schedule.

9:00 am: look at memes.

9:30 am: fall back to sleep.

9:35 am: get woken up by niece. Make her breakfast and put on movie.

9:45 am: look at lolcats

10:00 am: post semi-funny, mostly contrived Facebook status update.

10:15 am: share meme on Facebook.

10:30 am: put on pants/make another cup of coffee. Yes I do both at the same time. No I will not tell you how I do it… alright yes I will. The Force.

11:00 am: smoke cigarette.

11:15 am: pick up nephew from bus.

11:30 am: Help nephew move box or some other such thing on Video game.

11:35 am: look at memes.

11:45 am: help nephew beat level on video game.

11:55 am: help nephew beat boss on video game.

Noon: make lunch.

12:30 pm: look at lolcats

1:00 pm: have coffee

1:15 pm: jerry-rig some broken house hold item( today it was the headphone jack on my phone).

2:00 pm: excessively celebrate successful jerry-rigging,  by copious swearing and calling out of MacGyver.

2:03 pm: apologize to MacGyver.

2:10 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:15 pm: look at memes.

2:30 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:40 pm: have dance party with niece and nephew.

3:00 pm: make plan with mother to get life more organized.

3:15 pm: start organizing stuff, get distracted by random thing I found that I had forgotten about. ” hey mom look what I found!!!”

4:00 pm: ” Oh yeah… I was organizing my stuff….”

4:10 pm: ” whoa my old girl scout vest! Look mom it still kinda fits! Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?” *does awkward high-stepping dance*

4:15 pm: look at lolcats.

4:30 pm: roll around on floor with actual cat.

4:35 pm: help nephew with homework.

5:15 pm: make dinner.

5:30 pm: annoy niece and nephew with silly antics.. i.e. try to get them to do strange dance or consistently speak in yokel accent.

5:40 pm: attempt to write.

6:00 pm: look at memes.

6:15 pm: look at buzzfeed.

6:30 pm: post buzzfeed story to Facebook.

6:45 pm: “hey we’re missing The Simpsons.”

7:00pm: watch The Big Bang Theory in syndication, with family.

7:15 pm: shortly get distracted from TBBT by lolcats.

7:30 pm: start trying to put niece and nephew to bed, read genetics books to them.

8:00 pm: fall asleep in kids’ bedroom.

8:10 pm: get woken up by nephew.

8:30 pm: children successfully asleep!

8:35 pm: look at memes and eat…finally!

8:40 pm: Facebook stalk(hella)!

9:40 pm: think about good idea for next blog entry.

9:42 pm: look at lolcats.

10:00 pm: watch OPB/ Discovery Channel or read.

10:15 pm: imagine montage of self on weird hats.

10:30 pm: smoke cigarette, talk to cat if he’s around.

10:40 pm: look at lolcats.

10:50 pm: watch a bit more TV.

11:00 pm: fall asleep sitting up in recliner.

11:15 pm: get woken up by own drool trickling down neck( yep… you read that right).

11:30 pm: think about making an awesome meme.

11:35 pm: “forever alone!!!!”

12:00 pm: eat ice cream or cereal. Watch Everybody Loves Raymond.

12:30 watch Frasier because I’m sophisticated. “Will that dilettante ever find a woman of his caliber?”

“Nay goodsir, nay.”

12:50 pm: fall asleep in recliner.


and there you have it an average day in the life of Aubrie “Farnsworth” Cooper.

… I think I have adult ADD.

The Perfect Boy


All nerdy boys have their type, you know… their “Perfect Girl”. The girl that if they could choose anyone, they’d choose her. And she’s Japanese, probably highly proficient at video games, so good she could give them a handjob and kick their ass at Tekken…. AT THE SAME TIME!!!! Then after that she’d go whip him up some amazing ramen… she does sound awesome.

I have a nerdy “Perfect Boy” too, and he ain’t Japanese! Don’t get me wrong, I do love Japanese boys too, they just aren’t my number one dream guy, not the creme de la creme. No buuuddies, my perfect boy eats Kosher! That’s right I love ’em nerdy and I love ’em Jewish. All those semitic good looks, and mother pleasing. “Dont worry,” I whisper to them, “you can tell your mom that I’ll convert. I love those curly locks and warm brown eyes.

I’m not quite sure how I came to have such an affinity for the native sons of the chosen ones. Maybe its because the majority of my favorite comedians are Jewish, or maybe because of watching Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore when I was 11.  But I think its mostly because of my Grandpere Mel.

My Grandpere Mel is not biologically related to me, but he is my grandfather to me, all my others were either deceased or distant. I love him very much. He an my Grandmama’s relationship was the steadiest relationship I was exppsed to growing up. They loved each other so very much! They married later in life, after starting families and previous marriages had failed.

Grandpere and Grandmama would sip their gin and tonics and share their meals at restaurants. His  license plate reads,”MMF♥CJF”. He always holds her hand, even after all these years. He is the perfect counterpoint to my Grandmama’s exuberance and energy, he is stoic and calm, and both of them have an ability to love deeply. When I told that side of my family that writing is what I wanted to do with my life, and I received less than ecstatic responses; he came to me and said, “I love a writer.” That meant a lot to me. My Grandpere showed me what a healthy and loving partner should be. I value that greatly.

So I believe that is the reason I have a soft spot for Jewish men. My Grandpere showed me how a good man should treat his mate.