The Beginning.


I came to a realization this morning.

I woke up at random someone’s house smelling like 2am(stale sweat, stale beer), in a clown costume, with tear tracks marring my clown make-up. It was then that I began replaying last nights events in my head.

It was a friends costume party(see not a creepy clown fetishist[its a word]), I had spent the night dancing, drinking champagne, and trying to look cute. You see, the guy who had recently broke my heart was there, and I wanted to be awesome and look good, and make him regret his decision to spurn me. Typical girl plan, and as usual typical girl plan totally backfires on me, because I can’t for the life of me act like a girl. I mean I have the emotions of a girl, wrapped up in the attitude of a dude. You’re right, it is confusing. Anywho, I expect….we’ll call him My Male Counterpart,  or MMC for short… I expect MMC to be there with his girlfriend, the girl he picked over moi. She wasn’t with him, out of town, this changed my plans completely. I expected to look cute, flaunt my cleavage in front of him, say hi once, ignore him and generally flirt like Lando with everyone else all night. But nooooo…. I had to have no plan B if he came alone.

So naturally we talk, and naturally someone hands me a tequila shot, and naturally I go batshit from it, and then naturally I want to “talk”… you know one of THOSE talks with him. Dumb, considering I was plowed, and so was he. Hmmm… maybe some backstory on MMC and I would be in order. I’ll try to make it as short and informative as possible.

6 years ago: He-Nerd meets She-Nerd, copious amounts of David Bowie and Labyrinth quotes, they are shockingly sympatico, pretty much male and female versions of each other. They are friends of friends, they get to know one another better, and become friends.  Eventually over time She-Nerd has more than friendly feelings for He-Nerd, she keeps said feelings to her self, He-Nerd has a girlfriend who ends up being a long term one. She-Nerd fantasizes about dating He-Nerd, she realizes dating is not an option, she fantasizes about being his bestfriend, she sees matching sweater vests and tennis doubles.

She-Nerd is happy to have He-Nerd in her life in any capacity she can have him in. She is content to be just his friends, she adores him. He-Nerd moves away, friendship distances, they rarely talk. He-Nerd messages her on Facebook, he moved back, She-Nerd is immediately curious about his relationship, he’s come back to visit many times and has never tried to talk to her or hangout, She-Nerd has a feeling He-Nerd is single. She-Nerd is absolutely correct. She-Nerd thinks he may be interested. She lets it ride, she had been reseeing her ex. Ex resee fizzles. She-Nerd calls He-Nerd, a date is set, for beer and arcade. She-Nerd immediately over-analyzes, maybe it is just friends. He-nerd ditches out, plans for a later date, he ditches out on later date, rescheduled, He-Nerd stands up She-Nerd. She-Nerd turns into hulk. Angry messages were sent, no words were spoken for 2 weeks. She-Nerd gets over it and offers olive branch. Plans are on again, this time they get followed through. They play video games at the arcade, drink gin and beers, She-Nerd kicks ass at Rampage and does better at it than He-Nerd. She-Nerd has mad skills. They go out to smoke a cigarette. He-Nerd leans against the bike rack outside, She-Nerd is standing in front of him, they are having their usual rapid fire witty banter. Then he grabs She-Nerd and pulls her to him and kisses her. She-Nerd melts into it. They pull away. She-Nerd tells He-Nerd that she has been waiting for him to do that since she met him. He tells her he felt that same, and that he’s had feelings for her since he met her, but he was a good boyfriend and never strayed. Things go off without a hitch for a couple of weeks. They revel and reminisce about their feelings. Then one day She-Nerd looks at He-Nerd’s Facebook. He-Nerd is in a relationship, and it isn’t with her. She-Nerd almost passes out from the shock. She writes him a message, she is devastated. He-Nerd calls he to talk about it. He-Nerd done fucked up! He tells her that he was seeing this new girl before her, and that’s she moved away but moved back for him. He-Nerd was seeing her while She-Nerd had blown him off to see her ex. He-Nerd tells She-Nerd he still feels the same about her. She-Nerd just doesn’t understand why its happening then. She-Nerd and He-Nerd agree to remain friends. They keep hanging out for a bit, then new girlfriend moves back officially, and not a word is heard from He-Nerd. She-Nerd thinks about him every single day.

And that brings us back to the costume party. Where I coincidentally am the only one dressed up.  I wanted answers from MMC, a little clue as to why he still feels the same but is dating someone else. Words of wisdom, don’t try to have a relationship type talk with someone who is drunk and on Molly. Doesn’t work. All you get is nonsense and more touching than is needed. So I’m having this intense conversation, wasted, dressed as a clown, he is not dressed up. Anyway I wanted answers and all I ended up with was more questions, and embarrassment from trying to kiss him. Could you imagine have a crazy girl dressed as a clown, drunk on tequila and champagne trying to come at your face. I’m sure he would of pushed me away even if he hadn’t been in a relationship.

So after replaying these events and other relationship failures over in my head today, I realized, I can’t get a break. Dating wise. I am a She-Nerd which was once a hot commodity, now you can find a semblance of one on every street corner, down to the Vintage Spiderman tee and fake glasses. I wear glasses, PRESCRIPTION glasses, I need them to see. Because of this my fellow He-Nerd’s can date super hot chicks who fake that they share their intrests, and I get screwed. So I decided to chronicle my mishaps caused be me being a nerd.

So welcome…. To The Pitfalls Of Being a She-Nerd.


One response »

  1. Yes, trails and tribulations of social intercourse may leave one with a tacky taste in one’s mouth, yet we manage to survive, not necessarily with our ego’s intact. Regardless, from personal observations in the public forum I’ve seen many a flaunted relationship that always seems to end with or without drama.

    The crux of these searches for some compatable intimacies stems from the mind (Thinking), begins with the body (feeling) then action (Willing) takes place. To step back and self-observe even further may give one a chance to attempt rationality in pursuing such fallible exchanges, yet the throws of passion may supercede. It’s like tossing some gasoline on a fire to extinguish it, a brief lull then a real blaze occurs.

    Best option may be to nip it in the bud, so to speak, then re-group at “Willing” part. If this is possible one may actually gain an upper hand on self-discilpline and bring their social caterpillar to a full blown Butterfly, even with glasses on.

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