A Day In The Life( no not the Beatles song).

Alright people who read my blog, that’s right you Dr. Archibald and Jimmy over there in the corner. I am writing about a day in my life since I gained temporary custody of my niece and nephew. So ummmm… prepare to be thrilled by my enthralling mediocrity!

7:00 am: Wake up, take nephew to bus stop. Chainsmoke the whole way back, wonder why always so out of breath at this point.

7:15 am: Look at lolcats.

8:00 am: have coffee.

8:15 am: have another cup of coffee.

8:30 am: think about ways to make life more productive, write up schedule.

9:00 am: look at memes.

9:30 am: fall back to sleep.

9:35 am: get woken up by niece. Make her breakfast and put on movie.

9:45 am: look at lolcats

10:00 am: post semi-funny, mostly contrived Facebook status update.

10:15 am: share meme on Facebook.

10:30 am: put on pants/make another cup of coffee. Yes I do both at the same time. No I will not tell you how I do it… alright yes I will. The Force.

11:00 am: smoke cigarette.

11:15 am: pick up nephew from bus.

11:30 am: Help nephew move box or some other such thing on Video game.

11:35 am: look at memes.

11:45 am: help nephew beat level on video game.

11:55 am: help nephew beat boss on video game.

Noon: make lunch.

12:30 pm: look at lolcats

1:00 pm: have coffee

1:15 pm: jerry-rig some broken house hold item( today it was the headphone jack on my phone).

2:00 pm: excessively celebrate successful jerry-rigging,  by copious swearing and calling out of MacGyver.

2:03 pm: apologize to MacGyver.

2:10 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:15 pm: look at memes.

2:30 pm: break up fight between niece and nephew.

2:40 pm: have dance party with niece and nephew.

3:00 pm: make plan with mother to get life more organized.

3:15 pm: start organizing stuff, get distracted by random thing I found that I had forgotten about. ” hey mom look what I found!!!”

4:00 pm: ” Oh yeah… I was organizing my stuff….”

4:10 pm: ” whoa my old girl scout vest! Look mom it still kinda fits! Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?” *does awkward high-stepping dance*

4:15 pm: look at lolcats.

4:30 pm: roll around on floor with actual cat.

4:35 pm: help nephew with homework.

5:15 pm: make dinner.

5:30 pm: annoy niece and nephew with silly antics.. i.e. try to get them to do strange dance or consistently speak in yokel accent.

5:40 pm: attempt to write.

6:00 pm: look at memes.

6:15 pm: look at buzzfeed.

6:30 pm: post buzzfeed story to Facebook.

6:45 pm: “hey we’re missing The Simpsons.”

7:00pm: watch The Big Bang Theory in syndication, with family.

7:15 pm: shortly get distracted from TBBT by lolcats.

7:30 pm: start trying to put niece and nephew to bed, read genetics books to them.

8:00 pm: fall asleep in kids’ bedroom.

8:10 pm: get woken up by nephew.

8:30 pm: children successfully asleep!

8:35 pm: look at memes and eat…finally!

8:40 pm: Facebook stalk(hella)!

9:40 pm: think about good idea for next blog entry.

9:42 pm: look at lolcats.

10:00 pm: watch OPB/ Discovery Channel or read.

10:15 pm: imagine montage of self on weird hats.

10:30 pm: smoke cigarette, talk to cat if he’s around.

10:40 pm: look at lolcats.

10:50 pm: watch a bit more TV.

11:00 pm: fall asleep sitting up in recliner.

11:15 pm: get woken up by own drool trickling down neck( yep… you read that right).

11:30 pm: think about making an awesome meme.

11:35 pm: “forever alone!!!!”

12:00 pm: eat ice cream or cereal. Watch Everybody Loves Raymond.

12:30 watch Frasier because I’m sophisticated. “Will that dilettante ever find a woman of his caliber?”

“Nay goodsir, nay.”

12:50 pm: fall asleep in recliner.

*DREAM SEQUENCE*

and there you have it an average day in the life of Aubrie “Farnsworth” Cooper.

… I think I have adult ADD.

PSYCHO-BITCHES!

Hey Senor bloggy Blog! I’ve been MIA for awhile, for reasons you will all find out in future blogs. But for now I’m keeping it a little light as I wade back in to the world of revealing a very select side of my soul to you all. So with out any more rambling, here is Psycho-Bitches!

Dudes like Psycho-Bitches.  They prefer to date them. I know. I’ve seen it. I’m an expert. On such matters. No more fragments.

I know this because of years (privileges of having the same interests of a twelve year old boy) of seeing my nerdy guy friends and nerdy love interests fall victim to their beguiling ways. I’ve heard you boys complain about the girl who showed up on your doorstep with pie, who knitted you a scarf after your first date. The girl whose eyes filled up with tears when she found out you both liked The Black Keys,

“Oh my god,” she says in a voice choked with emotion, ” we have so much in common!”

That girl is a Psycho and you know it! I know it and I haven’t even met her, in fact I made her up! And right now you are thinking, “how can I get away from this chick unscathed but date her long enough to get in her pants..?”

You boys come back and regale us with your bad date with the Cling-Master 5000. But guess what?! In two weeks you’ll be dating steady, in a month I’ll have to pencil her into one of my famous dinner parties, then you’ll bring her to our Soul Caliber tournament, because she says she likes it… but she won’t play. Or worse, she’ll button mash!  But damnit she’s good in bed isn’t she, and pretty, the nut-jobs are always gorgeous…

Anyway– to return to my point– you boys like a Psycho-Bitch, just like us girls can’t resist an Asshole guy( heh heh heh) there is some level of risk and drama that we just can’t seem to resist, some level of excitement! Whatever the case maybe, I end up screwed because of it! Ever the proverbial girl next door, I know what your thinking, “girl next door” types are desirable. Nuh uh, I am no Mary Jane. I’m Fucking Peppermint Patty! There will be no Peter Parker, I can’t even get Charlie Brown, I’m stuck with Milhouse over there. And guess what?! My Milhouse ends up being the male version of the Psycho-Bitch! The emo-goth boy with gender identity issues, and a penchant for emotional abuse. Seriously.

The assholes passing for nerdy nancy-boys, just date me momentarily, tell me how nerdy and amazing I am, then leave me for hotter less-sane, agent provacateur “nerd” girls. Then Milhouse leaves me because he needs to, “figure some things out.”

Most likely if he is gonna opt for the whole gender reassignment surgery or just get the breasts and leave Wangston Churchill and his Parliament in their house of commons.

So what I am really trying to say here is: Psycho-Bitches, you treasure those sweet, sensitive nerdy boys, because with them you have my heart and my hours of video games and dissection of the Star Wars Extended Universe, followed by nerd-sex. I won’t go into details on how that works, to protect all nerds involved.

And one more thing, probably the most important nugget of wisdom I’ll instill in you, Ms. P. Bitch:

I… hate your fucking guts!

The Perfect Boy

All nerdy boys have their type, you know… their “Perfect Girl”. The girl that if they could choose anyone, they’d choose her. And she’s Japanese, probably highly proficient at video games, so good she could give them a handjob and kick their ass at Tekken…. AT THE SAME TIME!!!! Then after that she’d go whip him up some amazing ramen… she does sound awesome.

I have a nerdy “Perfect Boy” too, and he ain’t Japanese! Don’t get me wrong, I do love Japanese boys too, they just aren’t my number one dream guy, not the creme de la creme. No buuuddies, my perfect boy eats Kosher! That’s right I love ’em nerdy and I love ’em Jewish. All those semitic good looks, and mother pleasing. “Dont worry,” I whisper to them, “you can tell your mom that I’ll convert. I love those curly locks and warm brown eyes.

I’m not quite sure how I came to have such an affinity for the native sons of the chosen ones. Maybe its because the majority of my favorite comedians are Jewish, or maybe because of watching Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore when I was 11.  But I think its mostly because of my Grandpere Mel.

My Grandpere Mel is not biologically related to me, but he is my grandfather to me, all my others were either deceased or distant. I love him very much. He an my Grandmama’s relationship was the steadiest relationship I was exppsed to growing up. They loved each other so very much! They married later in life, after starting families and previous marriages had failed.

Grandpere and Grandmama would sip their gin and tonics and share their meals at restaurants. His  license plate reads,”MMF♥CJF”. He always holds her hand, even after all these years. He is the perfect counterpoint to my Grandmama’s exuberance and energy, he is stoic and calm, and both of them have an ability to love deeply. When I told that side of my family that writing is what I wanted to do with my life, and I received less than ecstatic responses; he came to me and said, “I love a writer.” That meant a lot to me. My Grandpere showed me what a healthy and loving partner should be. I value that greatly.

So I believe that is the reason I have a soft spot for Jewish men. My Grandpere showed me how a good man should treat his mate.

Let The Dating Commence!

So, The Two People That Read My Blog, I have decided that if my blog is going to be a successful blog about dating failures, I should probably start dating….

Let it be heard among men! I, Aubrie “Farnsworth” Cooper, have joined those lonely romantics on the rosters of Online Dating sites! That’s right I’m looking for love on the interwebz! I didn’t think I would ever say that. So far, not so bad.

I chose Okcupid, as my first venture in to those lonely halls of the desperate and unlovable( no really, those guys are great!), such as my self. I really chose it mostly because it is free.

“Cheap, Cheap, Cheap!”

Did you hear that bird? Anywho, it’s a fairly decent site. It has some legitimate seeming, ” relationship” sounding questions, and compatibility percentage ratings based on answers to said questions. The percentage ratings are for: “Match”, “Friend”, or “Enemy”.

So apparently if you don’t hit it off romantically or as friends, you can have city-totaling battles and serious rivalries. Which is… pretty cool! I think I’m gonna try tracking down all my high percentage rated “Enemies” and challenge them to some very public duels… sounds like a lark.

OK… anyway… other than my ridiculous superhero plans. OKcupid does pretty damn well directing me toward dudes with my favorite types of dudely traits. As a matter of fact I have my first date tonight! He seems like a nice, 33 year old nerd. And boy are there a slew of nerds on there!

I posted that I played Magic the Gathering and I’ve had quite a few messages sent to me saying: “Oh I used to play magic.” Or, “I haven’t played magic in years, maybe I should start again.” Seriously, about 8 guys have messaged me with some version of the aforementioned statement. And I’m thinking:

“Oh, now the game is appealing to you, huh? Because some one with a vagina plays? I bet you gave it up because it consumed your life and no woman would sleep with you.”

Well I’m not that kind of woman, and they know it, because they are clamoring to tell me they play. You know… I’m not really sure what I am exactly…. maybe some sort of sea-creature… with antlers. I’m just gonna roll with it and presume whatever I am is good. Anyhow, back to dating.

So, I have a date with this nerdy, dark haired, lover of Glam rock( he listed, Roxy Music, Bowie, Bolan, and Eno his favorites, big points!). Hopefully he doesn’t have plans to scalp me and use my hair as a wig in his next fashion statement. He seems like a nice enough guy. Is one of the guys that didn’t regale me with is past triumphs of his once Magic playing. We’re going to go nerd out at Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade. Hopefully it won’t be too awkward…but… it is me.

So look forward to the next post in The Pitfalls of Being a She-Nerd, it will be about our date.

The Beginning.

I came to a realization this morning.

I woke up at random someone’s house smelling like 2am(stale sweat, stale beer), in a clown costume, with tear tracks marring my clown make-up. It was then that I began replaying last nights events in my head.

It was a friends costume party(see not a creepy clown fetishist[its a word]), I had spent the night dancing, drinking champagne, and trying to look cute. You see, the guy who had recently broke my heart was there, and I wanted to be awesome and look good, and make him regret his decision to spurn me. Typical girl plan, and as usual typical girl plan totally backfires on me, because I can’t for the life of me act like a girl. I mean I have the emotions of a girl, wrapped up in the attitude of a dude. You’re right, it is confusing. Anywho, I expect….we’ll call him My Male Counterpart,  or MMC for short… I expect MMC to be there with his girlfriend, the girl he picked over moi. She wasn’t with him, out of town, this changed my plans completely. I expected to look cute, flaunt my cleavage in front of him, say hi once, ignore him and generally flirt like Lando with everyone else all night. But nooooo…. I had to have no plan B if he came alone.

So naturally we talk, and naturally someone hands me a tequila shot, and naturally I go batshit from it, and then naturally I want to “talk”… you know one of THOSE talks with him. Dumb, considering I was plowed, and so was he. Hmmm… maybe some backstory on MMC and I would be in order. I’ll try to make it as short and informative as possible.

6 years ago: He-Nerd meets She-Nerd, copious amounts of David Bowie and Labyrinth quotes, they are shockingly sympatico, pretty much male and female versions of each other. They are friends of friends, they get to know one another better, and become friends.  Eventually over time She-Nerd has more than friendly feelings for He-Nerd, she keeps said feelings to her self, He-Nerd has a girlfriend who ends up being a long term one. She-Nerd fantasizes about dating He-Nerd, she realizes dating is not an option, she fantasizes about being his bestfriend, she sees matching sweater vests and tennis doubles.

She-Nerd is happy to have He-Nerd in her life in any capacity she can have him in. She is content to be just his friends, she adores him. He-Nerd moves away, friendship distances, they rarely talk. He-Nerd messages her on Facebook, he moved back, She-Nerd is immediately curious about his relationship, he’s come back to visit many times and has never tried to talk to her or hangout, She-Nerd has a feeling He-Nerd is single. She-Nerd is absolutely correct. She-Nerd thinks he may be interested. She lets it ride, she had been reseeing her ex. Ex resee fizzles. She-Nerd calls He-Nerd, a date is set, for beer and arcade. She-Nerd immediately over-analyzes, maybe it is just friends. He-nerd ditches out, plans for a later date, he ditches out on later date, rescheduled, He-Nerd stands up She-Nerd. She-Nerd turns into hulk. Angry messages were sent, no words were spoken for 2 weeks. She-Nerd gets over it and offers olive branch. Plans are on again, this time they get followed through. They play video games at the arcade, drink gin and beers, She-Nerd kicks ass at Rampage and does better at it than He-Nerd. She-Nerd has mad skills. They go out to smoke a cigarette. He-Nerd leans against the bike rack outside, She-Nerd is standing in front of him, they are having their usual rapid fire witty banter. Then he grabs She-Nerd and pulls her to him and kisses her. She-Nerd melts into it. They pull away. She-Nerd tells He-Nerd that she has been waiting for him to do that since she met him. He tells her he felt that same, and that he’s had feelings for her since he met her, but he was a good boyfriend and never strayed. Things go off without a hitch for a couple of weeks. They revel and reminisce about their feelings. Then one day She-Nerd looks at He-Nerd’s Facebook. He-Nerd is in a relationship, and it isn’t with her. She-Nerd almost passes out from the shock. She writes him a message, she is devastated. He-Nerd calls he to talk about it. He-Nerd done fucked up! He tells her that he was seeing this new girl before her, and that’s she moved away but moved back for him. He-Nerd was seeing her while She-Nerd had blown him off to see her ex. He-Nerd tells She-Nerd he still feels the same about her. She-Nerd just doesn’t understand why its happening then. She-Nerd and He-Nerd agree to remain friends. They keep hanging out for a bit, then new girlfriend moves back officially, and not a word is heard from He-Nerd. She-Nerd thinks about him every single day.

And that brings us back to the costume party. Where I coincidentally am the only one dressed up.  I wanted answers from MMC, a little clue as to why he still feels the same but is dating someone else. Words of wisdom, don’t try to have a relationship type talk with someone who is drunk and on Molly. Doesn’t work. All you get is nonsense and more touching than is needed. So I’m having this intense conversation, wasted, dressed as a clown, he is not dressed up. Anyway I wanted answers and all I ended up with was more questions, and embarrassment from trying to kiss him. Could you imagine have a crazy girl dressed as a clown, drunk on tequila and champagne trying to come at your face. I’m sure he would of pushed me away even if he hadn’t been in a relationship.

So after replaying these events and other relationship failures over in my head today, I realized, I can’t get a break. Dating wise. I am a She-Nerd which was once a hot commodity, now you can find a semblance of one on every street corner, down to the Vintage Spiderman tee and fake glasses. I wear glasses, PRESCRIPTION glasses, I need them to see. Because of this my fellow He-Nerd’s can date super hot chicks who fake that they share their intrests, and I get screwed. So I decided to chronicle my mishaps caused be me being a nerd.

So welcome…. To The Pitfalls Of Being a She-Nerd.